Starting Over

Yesterday I went for a run. This was the first run I have been on in quite some time. As soon as I hit play on my iPod (I was listening to the Beastie Boys classic Ill Communications, if you're interested) and took my first few slightly accelerated steps, the effects of my long break were evident. The first ailment I noticed was the pain in my right knee. Then came the soreness in the upper part of my left shin. This began a pattern of migrating pains, discomforts and cramps that moved throughout my body as my time on the road progressed. When I run regularly and take a brief time off, these pains are not unexpected, but they usually subside as I get comfortable and find my stride. This was certainly not the case yesterday, when my stride looked as awkward as Bambi's first steps. Things didn't get any easier as my body attempted to find every way that it could to rebel. By mile three or four, I began to feel a tell tale, deep cramping in my stomach. This is a pain that I have grown to recognize very readily from the times I have been irresponsible in keeping my hands clean and brought home a sickness from Mexico

Being out for a run and feeling like I literally might crap my pants is not a new circumstance. I think pretty much anyone that runs regularly has had this experience. There's something unique about running that I think just tends to jostle things around and sort of work the contents of your intestines downward. When this happens, you have a decision to make. This quandary is often partially predicated upon the amount of pressure you're experiencing. When the pressure is minimal but the need is urgent, you can open up your stride and get home as quickly as possible. When you've got the Mexico feeling going on, it's best to focus on maintaining control over the situation while getting home in a responsible but timely fashion. If you misjudge urgency or need or simply just find things are beyond your control you may have to take quick action and end up in the woods on the side of the road or bang on some unsuspecting condo owner's door. Although it's not the most family friendly phrase, I would articulate this event as "losing your $#!^."

Most of my focus for the latter part of my run was reserved for two things: Suppressing the attention I gave to all the aches and pains I was feeling and retaining the contents of my colon. Despite this commitment of my mental faculties, I did have a little left over to reflect over how much this particular run resembled starting anew in other areas of life.

Over the past fifteen months, I've had a lot of new starts. There have been a new internship, new jobs, new relationship, and constantly changing circumstances. Right now, I am about to make a huge transition I have yet to share here. I have learned that their are three main ways the people typically deal with massive life changes:

1. Lose it.
2. Throw caution to the wind, don't think too much and go full speed ahead (Sprint home).
3. Move forward thoughtfully and cautiously (Focus and get home in as long as it takes).


Many of my closest friends both here and back on the east coast have been going through major life changes as well. I have seen myself and others employ all three of these mechanisms in coping with big life change. Sometimes things get overwhelming and you just lose it. It's happened to me a few times lately. This can be a jarring, disorienting experience. Generally, when this happens, your problem becomes someone else's (that poor condo owner) and you sometimes have a mess to clean up. Human emotions and breakdowns can be pretty crazy things and the fallout is often dramatic. Every now and then you lose it. It's a fact of life, it's beyond your control. If you're lucky though, you've got some people you can count on and you can trust them to not spread the word that it happened.

When I moved out here, I threw caution to the wind. This was easy because everything seemed to fall into place. It seemed obvious that this was where I was being called. Nearly everyone in my life echoed and supported this conclusion. When I had to fundraise for my internship, the money I needed came quickly from many generous people (thanks so much!). I got out here and made a ton of great friends. A full time position opened up and it seemed meant for me. I met an awesome young lady. Work went well. Everything seemed ordained and inspired. I didn't think too much. I didn't have to. I opened things up, moved forward and asked for God's blessing. I found myself at home and comfortable.

Now I'm looking at a daunting new life change and challenge. Although I am certain that I have made the right decision in choosing to take on this challenge, I am intimidated and, at times, feel as if I am going to lose it. It seems that there is a lot of pressure (mostly self-applied) and a high penalty for failure. On the flipside, there is a lot of potential for some incredible things to happen with this new opportunity. As a result, I'm tempted to sprint all out into it, throw caution to the wind, commit myself to a direction and hope and pray for the best. Instead, I'm taking the third approach this time around. I'm thinking a lot and I'm considering plans and systems I need to design and implement in order to assure that I don't lose it. Thinking about all that I have to do and want to control, there is something else I have to realize as well. Just like my running example above, I'm involved in a lot of things I can't control. No matter which strategy I utilize, if my body decides something needs to happen, it's going to happen. Similarly, I will find myself at the mercy of a lot of outside stimuli and circumstances as I forge ahead into this new challenge.

I believe that the secret to future success will be preparation and utilizing every resource I have at my disposal while still finding a way to relinquish control. This release will manifest itself in trusting others to guide me and help me in my areas of weakness. Additionally, it will help to understand that no matter how well I believe I am handling things, sometimes small failures and losses are inevitable. Finally, this relinquishment will help me stay humble in the face of both failure and success. Knowing that I am a very small part of everything that is going on and that God is truly the one in control is critical. It will help me to not put too much stock in my successes or my failures. Because neither of them are really mine. The truth is that I'm taking on something that I can't do. That's alright though, because I like stepping out in faith and I'm kind of fond of the following quote:

"I want only to do the things I can’t do unless God does it."

-Ben Patterson

 

Now, I just need to do my part to try to keep my $#!^ together while He does the work.

 

New Name and Why I'll Never Be a Good Blogger

So, you may notice something different in the banner just above this post. I have changed the name of this blog. Whether this name will grace the top of this page for long is yet to be determined. I wonder if it packs that punch or extravagant wordiness that I would desire in the title of my blog. Nevertheless, it works for the time being and has a story.

A few months ago, I was driving through the desert in Joshua Tree National Park with five of my closest friends. As I looked at the sand, rocks and sparse vegetation, seemingly ravaged by the sun, I remarked, "This is beautiful desolation." We gazed at the deep, far-reaching emptiness, which nevertheless appeared to be so artfully crafted, and I considered the parallels between the beauty and wonder we observed and that which exists within us. I believe us to be broken creatures. We struggle against selfish ambitions and strive to fill voids in our lives every day. The amazing thing to me is that there is an even greater truth behind this brokenness. What we have become and what we struggle with does nothing to discount the image we were created after and what we were designed to be. We are fearfully and wonderfully made. Thus, I considered my own beautiful desolation and considered it as a possibly poetic and fitting title for my blog and my story.

Then I gave all of this some more thought.

It's true, we're broken and we fall short of the creation we were meant to be, but there is nothing desolate about man. Additionally, there is nothing desolate about my story. My story, just like that of creation, is one of being fallen, but also of grace, love and redemption. I am in the process of Becoming and being reclaimed. Oswald Chambers shares the following profound insight:

"The profound thing in man is his will, not sin."

Whether or not you prescribe to the same belief system I do, this is a pretty awesome revelation. We are not defined by our fall, we are defined by the risenness we have the opportunity to choose. This choice leads to a wonderful process, one I am choosing to call my Beautiful Reclamation. 

Another reason I love the new name is that it takes me out of the equation. My story is part of a greater, more comprehensive one. The full story of God is far more fascinating and has far more implications than my own. There is a far greater reclamation happening. When we live out the tenets Jesus taught, we help to bring the kingdom now. Whether it affects the way we treat other people, our work, money or the earth, we can help to reclaim creation for it's rightful purpose. This blog is merely the lens through which I view this reclamation (admittedly, I screw around and make jokes here a lot as well). Ultimately, this is not about me doing work. It's just a retelling of a minute part of The Beautiful Reclamation. I'm in it enough. There's no need to have my name up top.

I anticipate this new name precipitating some other changes. A different URL could be in order. Blogger has not proven to be a 100% successful platform, so I'm also thinking about making the jump to tumblr. This all prompts me to recognize the biggest reason that I am a crappy blogger. I am lazy and get overwhelmed easily. While I think there are other items that could improve the experience and accessibility here, these changes are not nearly as easy to make as simply changing the name of the blog. As a result, I simply pulled up the text box that allowed me to type in a new title and will wait on everything else. As time goes by, I will probably get overwhelmed by the idea of making these additional changes and shelve the ideas altogether. This may or may not be the exact same reason that it has been so long since I last posted. I was lazy and failed to type anything for awhile. Then I started to get overwhelmed. It became clear to me that whenever I came back, my first new post would have to be the best thing I had ever written. I mean, if it's taking me so long to post, it must be for good reason, right? But I knew I wasn't capable of posting the best thing I had ever written. According to your views, this is the best post I've ever written and I frankly don't know if I'll ever top it for pure entertainment value. The interest my readers have shown in a ridiculous post with different, creepy facial hairstyles is actually extremely discouraging. You guys are weird.


So, you're reading the blog of lazy person that is easily overwhelmed. I'm not going to make any promises about turning over a new leaf or any such idea. Maybe I'll post again this week, maybe I won't. Maybe this will be the last post I ever type. Okay, it won't be. I didn't mean that. Please check back often. Some really awesome things have been happening lately that I would love to share. If I don't get too lazy and overwhelmed. Just remember that the blog's got a new name, and that's gotta count for something.


Adelante!

I Still Live In California

Most of the time, living here is like living in any other place (except much, much better). Every now and then, something happens that clearly reminds me of where I am. Sometimes it's a trip to the beach or the mountains. Other times, it's some ridiculous "bro" who insists on constantly telling all the "dudes" around how "rad," "epic," and "life changing" things like beer, music and surfing can be. I encountered one such guy at a local beer and wine store. I saw the following sign as I entered the restroom.

(Seriously, bro, it would be a total bummer if you got this paint on you.)

The guy who checked me out wore a bandana and insisted that the beer I was purchasing would change my life. I know in my heart this sign was his work and he was most likely very proud of it.

Adelante!

-Clint

Sometimes we get to do things we want. The rest of the time we do what we have to.

-Nick Rawson

Sometimes, we are in the rarified position where we get both. That's where I am this week. I am working on a new project with some awesome people in San Carlos, having the time of my life. I am so thankful.

Adelante!

-Clint

National Bike to Work Day

Last Friday was National Bike to work day. Recently, I have been trying out bicycle commuting. I am ashamed to say that all of these years I have had so many great bikes, I have never made it a habit to ride to class or work. My attempts to do so have been spotty at best. When I was in college my rides to class were brief and back in Warrenton I lived less than a mile from my work, but I often drove to wherever I needed to be. My commute here is a little over 19 miles from my apartment door to work, so this has been a little bigger undertaking. The riding is a little bit more urban so it's slightly hectic as well. Right now, when I am in San Diego, I am riding to work once or twice a week. I am trying to build up to where I will be riding 3-4 times a week.

Friday was a great opportunity to reinforce the new habit I'm trying to form and also participate in a pretty neat event. The outcome was cool. There were considerably more riders out than there have been other days I have commuted on my bike. Additionally, local bike shops took part in the day. On my way to work, I saw four or five easy-ups sheltering bike shop employees. They were offering a place to rest for people that aren't used to being on a bike very long, neutral support for anyone that was having mechanical problems, and I think a couple even had some snacks. Finally, the auto traffic cut us a little more slack. To be honest, my overall experience with San Diego traffic has been pretty positive. No matter what though, you're going to occasionally come close to being hit by someone absent-mindedly making a left hand turn or opening their door after they've parallel parked. Having gay slurs screamed at you through a window as you snake your way through traffic in your spandex is also going to happen from time to time. I had no such issues on Friday. The normally fairly well-behaved San Diego drivers were even more conscientious toward those of us on our self-propelled two wheels. I got a few smiles and waves and encouragement. It was nice. I kinda wish every day was National Bike to Work Day.

I also got to wear one of my favorite preachy shirts on Bike to Work Day. That's right, no matter what kind of gas mileage your car gets, my bike's is literally infinitely better. So what if I used to make a habit of driving three quarters of a mile to work everyday? And so what if one of the reasons I'm riding to work now is that I can't afford to keep putting premium gas in my car that has a turbo engine and only gets 20 mpg? I already covered the fact that Californians are smug. Well, we're especially so when we ride our bikes to work.

O. M. Freaking G.

Something awesome arrived at my office today. This is a sneak peak.


There is a story behind this that is tragic, but it ends with me taking delivery of something awesome (see above). More to come soon . . .

One Year

Admittedly, I've written a lot of retrospective/review type of pieces here, but I believe it's time for another one. Today marks the one year anniversary of my arrival at Amor Ministries. My journey actually began a couple of weeks earlier, when I left Warrenton, VA on April 29, 2010. When I made the decision to come out here and be a part of Amor as a year-long intern, I certainly thought that this year would shape me tremendously. Even with the extremely high hopes I had, my experience has proven to completely exceed any of my expectations. The following are some things that I did not anticipate getting out of this year that I am so thankful for.

A Job

I've covered this a number of times, but I came out to San Diego to become a year-long intern with no particular prospects for what I would be doing in the future. The only certainty I felt was the distinct unlikelihood that I would ever return to accounting or finance. The idea of participating in an internship to merely start over at the end of a year was pretty intimidating. I had no idea whether I would go back to school or whether God might provide something else through Amor. The quick connections I made with people at Amor and happiness I felt in my position made the uncertainty I was expecting even tougher to swallow. I made the decision to trust God in this time, but I still felt a bit of stress. Thankfully, it only took a few months before I was given the opportunity to interview for a full time position with Amor. I really cannot imagine that I should be anywhere else in the world right now. I am learning to serve and love God by serving and loving people at a level I would have previously thought myself incapable of reaching. My job has had a huge part in shaping the man I am and has solidified the fact that I have a heart for missions. I suspect I will be doing missions work for a long time to come and I am so excited about learning to do it better and better.

Community

I have fallen into a really great group of people here that consistently humbles me. My friends constantly show that their greatest desires are to grow with God and serve each other. It seems that every other week we find some reason to get together and celebrate each other. Whether it be a birthday party, a new job, a going away party, a coming home party or something else, we are constantly celebrating God and each other. It kind of makes me think of the concept of jubilee. Just the other day, one of my coworkers was describing missions work and the desire to serve as being akin to those moments when you sit with friends and have no desire but to linger and make the night longer. Last night, I had the privilege of sitting at a table and enjoying dinner with some wonderful people and having the blessing of dreading the end of the night. As I think about those people I sat at that table with, I feel love, respect, adoration or some combination of those sentiments for every person there. I am also thankful for the role that they have all played in my life and the fact that they have helped make me an all around better human being to be around.

Learning To Be By Myself

It's strange that during a time when I have gotten to appreciate so much community I have learned a lot about being alone, but several things have conspired to teach me this lesson. First, was the end of an intimate relationship of nearly nine years. No matter how much or how little you share or how much or how little support you give and receive, there is a comfort of knowing that if nothing else, one person will always be there. I had that support, nearly uninterrupted from the age of eighteen until twenty-seven. While I appreciate all of the good that came of such a relationship, I was able to learn a lot by losing it. I now know that I don't have to share everything in my life with someone else in order to enjoy it. Sometimes the fact that God's given it to me is enough. Whether it be a beautiful, starry night, a sunset or a fleeting moment of revelation, there is a lot that can belong to just me and God. My job has also helped teach me this lesson. While I have worked with some of my best friends, I have also been forced to go into some pretty tough spots on my own. In these moments, I have learned a lot about the resolve and strength that I can lean on God to provide. This confidence and comfort is a marked difference from my cross country trip that I spent much of feeling disappointed and lonely despite awesome experiences. I just had a tough time fully appreciating them on my own. Now I know that I can experience joy by myself and with God. I know that in the future as I get to share more of these moments, the joy will be that much more grandiose, because I was able to fully feel it on my own.

Joy in Sadness

You don't have to be happy to be joyful. I've met some pretty large challenges this year and some pretty significant disappointments. I've left home, left my dog, lost relationships, dealt with my mother's sickness, broken bikes, worked hard to have expectations unmet and sometimes been alone. These disappointments have invariably left me unhappy to some degree. I have also been identified as a person who's emotional responses resemble spaghetti fare more than a waffle (I don't compartmentalize, I let everything get tangled together). Despite my initial and expansive emotional responses, I am able to find joy because I learned that each and everyone of these experiences is shaping me into a man more capable of following Christ and serving others. It is a very strange place to be able to feel sorrowful and joyful at the same time, but I have found it to be a very healthy place. When I am comfortable, I rarely grow. It's the times I have something to battle, something to find or something to accomplish that I learn.

Mumford & Sons

At least half a dozen people that are reading this are either rolling their eyes, throwing up on their keyboard, or both. That's fine, Mumford wasn't going to be a part of this post at all, but as I cued them up on my iphone while typing, it occurred to me that I never would have expected to find music that would mean this much to me this year, so they meet the criteria to be mentioned. Unfortunately, Mumford made it on the radio initially with a song that exhorted "I really f---ed it up this time, didn't I my dear‽" If you listen beyond these lyrics, these guys have a lot going on. Since I was introduced to them in earnest in October, they have been the soundtrack for my life. They consistently deal with faith, loss, grace and love in a very insightful manner. Over and over again, they manage to describe a redemptive, restorative, lasting love, one that my beliefs dictate comes from God. Their music is not in a hymnal and I don't know what their intent was when they wrote and recorded it, but I can truly worship to much of it. I will still see them live one day and it will be superawesomewonderfulradmagnificentincrediblefantastic. If you do not have Sigh No More by Mumford & Sons, buy it immediately and listen to it immediately after that. Don't listen to the song with the f-word though. This is a family friendly site and I will not support that.

A Tattoo

Intimacy

When I came out to San Diego, I left all of the people that knew me best. Those people have not been replaced, but a lot have been added to their numbers. I thought that it would take a long time until I met people that I could trust and be intimate with. Perhaps it was the challenges inherent in my move and the openness with which I shared them but I have several incredible people that really know me well who I can share anything with. The most recent lesson I have had to learn now is that although I can share anything with my friends and family, I shouldn't share everything. Regardless, reaching new levels of honesty, grace and accountability with those around me has been a really awesome gift.

Patience

I have learned a lot of different types of patience this year, but waiting on God is a good things. It seems he's always on time.

I am so thankful for the year I have had and that this experience is not over. At the beginning, this seemed like a sort of year long experiment that would probably change me, but possibly drop me right back where I was to begin with. Instead, the adventure continues. I get to remain with Amor and remain in San Diego. I can only pray that this coming year will be as formative as the one I just experienced.

Thanks for reading along with me so far. It's been great to share my experiences with everyone who keeps up with me here. I have received comments, e-mails, texts, phone calls and facebook messages from people I never would have expected thanks to the fact that I express myself through this medium. The heart of my desire to write this blog is all about this kind of communication. It's fun to be entertaining and it's nice to get things off my chest sometimes, but the fact that this is a vessel to share in mutual experiences and help each other through life is the best part. I'm getting a little more consistent in writing again, and given that, I would like to ask some favors of everyone that reads here.

1. Become a follower and leave comments. Most people have a google account and this is fairly easy to do with your account. Commenting is awesome. It lets me know you guys are reading and that you care and let's me talk to you directly via the blog.

2. If you think this thing is worth reading, tell some more people about it. I'd love to share my experiences with as many people as possible.

3. Link this site via facebook or any other networking tools you use. Again, I'd love to spread the word more.

4. Donate some money at www.amor.org. Two of our biggest needs are staff support and our equipment fund (we need some new vehicles and trailers). For staff support, make sure you get my name in the comments so that I can get lots of credit for all the people that will donate at my encouragement. If you'd like to donate to the equipment fund (this would be great, because we are getting a to point where we really need some newer, safer vehicles), shoot me an e-mail and let me know your interest. I'm not asking for a lot from anyone. Just think about how much this blog has been worth to you in the past year, if that's only a dime, then donate a dime.

5. Keep reading.

6. Pray for Amor, my family and me. That's really what this thing is all about. I came out here to be part of an incredible ministry. Please pray that we keep doing what we are doing according to God's will. My Mom is doing well right now, but things are always changing and she's still got a tough battle. I am a total work in progress and pray that I can just keep getting better for all the people around me. Thanks.

7. Watch these videos:










Adelante!

-Clint