Monday, November 22, 2010

Beard Update: Like a Phoenix Rising From the Ashes . . .

This post is about a month and a half behind. Most of you probably already know that I shaved my unruly beard. That said, I had this post partially written, had fun with it and I am on vacation. So, I added some stuff, did some editing and here it is for your enjoyment.

The Beginning

As many of you know, I started growing an awesome beard several months back. My initial goal was to grow Big Lebowski style facial hair, so it started with a goatee way back in June. For a period of about two months, I dutifully maintained and developed the goatee for which I was aspiring. One night as I sat watching the the inspiration for my mangy appearance, my friends and I concurred that I had not only met, but exceeded the length and fullness of Jeffrey Lebowski's famous mane. I had met my goal, but I was not yet finished.
Beauty

You see, there is something about a man growing a beard. A man with a fierce beard is a master of his own destiny. He is wild, he is dangerous and most of all, he is free. I would submit that I am all three of these things regardless of the status of my facial hair. Despite this fact, there is something incredible about asserting yourself through such a magnificent physical statement. For numerous reasons including the sheer manliness I felt, I decided to continue my journey. From this point forward, I ceased shaving altogether, apart from an occasional neck trim. Over time, my unruly goatee morphed into a full on lumberjack man beard.

There were numerous encouragements and challenges throughout both stages of my facial hair growth. Often, when I would come back from the field clad in a bandana other Amor staff would comment that I resembled a Mexican pirate. I didn't know whether to consider this encouragement or discouragement. I took it as the former. This was tempered with constant and insistent claims from the female staff that the beard was a very bad look for me. Perhaps part of the problem was that I hadn't cut my hair since April as well. Regardless, I was reminded again and again just how undesirable I appeared. I was even offered free haircuts. At the opposite end of the spectrum were many men. I consistently work with high school and college boys who were nearly always impressed with my facial hair. Drew, my roommate, and my brothers both provided ample encouragement as well. Whether it be a limitation in hair growing capability, discouragement from significant others, or job requirements, there is a large contingent of men who wish they could grow a beard but are disallowed by their circumstances. These poor souls rejoiced and congratulated me in my accomplishment of growing a Leonidas-like beard.
The Death
The strength of their desires and longing were often enough to get me through the days when I believed I had enough. There were days when I was tired of looking like a yeti and simply wanted to be like everyone else. To be honest, looking in the mirror every day and seeing a dirty, beardy, balding, unkempt man can start to reak havoc on your self esteem. Finally, there was eating. I frequently found that whatever beverage I was enjoying would roll down my beard and on to my shirt. Additionally, food would often get caught in my beard. The worst offender was s'mores. The gooey warm, marshmallowy goodness would frequently get stuck in my beard. Marshmallow is hard to get out of beards and this grew to damper my love of s'mores. This was the final straw for the beard.

Finally, the day came. It was not without great remorse and sadness that I removed my triumphant mane, but the time had come. It had simply outgrown me. It felt that my face just could not support it's grandiousity. On a Saturday, I had my very own episode of Queer Eye for the Beard Guy. I started by getting my haircut and then decided to send my beard out in style, on a stage by stage basis:

This was me before any haircutting or beard trimming. I know the massive growth on my face and the receding hairline look awesome. Ladies, please restrain yourselves.

This was the haircut with full beard stage. To be honest, I kind of liked this one. The haircut did a lot to clean up my appearance. I would have like to keep this one going for awhile, but the decision had already been made.


I'm just going to give a shout out to Marcus for being the inspiration behind this dandy. That is all.

I'm going for the long haul trucker look here. I have proven before that I can drive 26 hours straight. I think the fact that I can pull this look off validates that I have a future if things at Amor don't work out.

Years ago, I used to watch a thouroughly entertaining show called American Chopper. I'm sure plenty of you know it. This is my shout out to Paul Teutul, Sr.

Creeper 'stache. A reminder of another character from The Big Lebowski.

The Charlie Chaplin. Film was so much better before talkies came around and they all started relying on fancy stuff like dialogue.

It seems sort of meager and pathetic here, but this is the sum total of my beard, after it's removal from my face.

The Beard is a time I will always look back upon with great fondness. It is strange to know that although I still have plenty of of opportunities to grow unattractive facial hair, there is a strong chance I will never again reach the fullness shown above. Beard updates will still continue when warranted, and I will be back for another post whenever I feel motivated. I'm on vacation!

Adelante!

-Clint

5 comments:

  1. omg gross.. thank you for posting this however i think i might have just lost most of my chick-fil-a breakfast. haha

    totally forgot what you looked like before you shaved your beard. crazy! hope you are having fun at home!

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  2. Love you - HATED Beard! Can't believe you named it! Glad it is gone! Mom

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  3. Brilliant post, so brilliant that I had to steal 3 sentences of it for my Facebook status haha, keep up the good work man.

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  4. I'm not sure if I'm more disturbed by the beard or the fact that you have the same iPhone case that I do. I'm female and ... um ... significantly older than you. Love, Aunt Chris
    P.S.: Hilarious post. If Amor and trucking don't work out, you can always write. ;-)

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  5. Thanks for the comments, everyone. Tom, you need to look elsewhere for inspiration. I'm a little strange. Aunt Chris, thanks, but growing all the strange facial hair required for me to be able to write full time would just be too much!

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