This post has been sitting in a word doc for a couple of
weeks. It’s one of those ones that could be one of my best or one of my worst.
It felt so exhausting to write that it could use a lot of editing that it will never
get. I feel a need to share a disclaimer. I’m doing pretty alright. I’ve been
provided with some incredible opportunities and experiences in recent months.
I’ve added three continents to the notches on my belt, I’ve visited one of the
wonders of the world, I’ve continued to be blessed with incredible friendships,
both new and old. I’ve got a new exciting job with the same organization I love
and will be moving to a new, exciting city in a few months. I have been on the
go constantly. It’s always been true that life is harder for me when I’m idle.
In a time when that’s been made even more true, I’ve been given constant
opportunities to collect new experiences and keep changing and keep growing. But
sometimes life is just really hard. And sometimes it’s good to share it. And
every now and then, when you share something like what’s below, it resonates in
people’s hearts and they are better able to understand what they are going
through. It’s with this hope, that I share the following.
In recent months, I’ve noticed a change in myself that
hasn’t been readily apparent to everyone around me. I call it severity. I
believe that in a lot of ways I have become a harder, more severe person. It’s
really hard for anyone else to see on a daily basis. It doesn’t stop me from
bringing my trademark goofiness and levity to situations (unfortunately,
whether they need it or not sometimes).
It doesn’t stop me from greeting as many people as I can with a big
smile on my face. It doesn’t stop me from seeking out adventure and having fun.
But I also go off on my own a lot more than I ever have in the past. There’s something lurking and sometimes it’s
a little scary. Every now and then I look face to face at the darkness that
resides deep in my heart. It’s darker than I ever knew or suspected. When I
look into that darkness, it gets more than a little scary, it gets terrifying.
I’ve known that this severity I describe was not quite the
full diagnosis of what I was feeling. I had a chance to speak to a few people
this weekend who have had some hard times as well. We’ve spoken on lasting
scars, the ones that don’t just disappear when life starts to feel better
again. You can meet that next person who sends a current of excitement through
your body. You can experience the victory of suffering under the weight of a
heavy pack, breathing the thinnest of air and summiting the most beautiful
mountain you’ve ever seen. Unfortunately, these experiences will not erase the
knowledge of the darkness you’ve discovered or the deep scars marring your
heart and soul. These realizations cannot be
unlearned. It feels an innocence that cannot be regained has been stolen
from you.
The people I’ve talked this over with have helped me see the
impetus for these feelings. Why have I hardened? Why does my soul seem so dark
at times? It’s not because these conditions were woven into me. They are not
part of my God-given DNA. It’s because the world is a lot darker and harder
than I had ever realized. Awful things happen in this world. People can commit
the deepest of betrayals. Cancer can ravage the body of one of the most
wonderful people you’ve ever known, only to leave them helpless on a hospital
bed for days on end, finally extinguishing their life in the most unjust of
ways. A tribe can rise up against
another tribe and brutally murder a million people in mere months. In the
Bible, the consummation of marriage is ascribed as “knowing” one another.
Knowing something or someone is experiencing that thing or person in totality. Anything
can be observed, but intimate knowledge comes with experience. While I could
see the brutalities of life before, now I know some of these brutalities. This
place is dangerous. So dangerous, in fact, that there are times we wish we
didn’t have to live here. We wish there was a way to avoid the danger. We wish
we could be safe. We also sometimes hate the world that could commit gross
violations against us.
This is where we discover the hardness and darkness in
ourselves. We harden because we believe our vulnerability has betrayed us and
we’ll be damned if it will happen again. If this world will fire rounds at us,
we will don every piece of armor we can. We find darkness because we’ve seen darkness
in others’ hearts through their actions. We find darkness in the way the
natural order of this world can be so perverted. We find it in our own hearts
because, if we are honest with ourselves, we know we’re capable of the same
atrocities. We’ve also brooded over worse in our hearts as we feel rage and
scream for retribution. The undeniability of darkening and hardening makes for a bleak outlook. Can’t it be
assumed that as we continue to journey through life, it will only show us more
of its’ evils? I believe if we let it, life can make us harder and darker until
it ultimately leaves us.
I have grown increasingly combative as I’ve matured (Read:
Gotten older. My maturity is always up for scrutiny). It occasionally does me a
disservice, but it may be the quality I possess that makes me most proud. I do
not lay down. I do not give up. I am not content to let circumstances wash over
me. When someone or something threatens me or the people I love, I develop a
plan and take action. Darkness and hardness are threatening the man I want to
be. They are threatening the fullness of my joy. They are threatening my
ability to be authentic and sincere. Most importantly, they are threatening my
ability to love others. I’ve heard many people share some version of the
following words with me and my family, ”The things that don’t kill you make you
stronger.” I fully reject this readily accepted wisdom. It is patently false.
It is another fairy tale we tell ourselves in dark moments. The truth is, what
doesn’t kill you can hurt, rape and debase you. It can leave you a shell of the
human being you once were. We have a choice to be strengthened or weakened by
the disappointments of our lives. I will not have the man I was made to be
sacrificed and settle for a lesser me.
So what do we do when we are learning about the darkest
parts of life? How do we take action? We need to grieve. Although I’m already
grieving my losses, I must also learn to grieve the loss of my shattered world.
The world is not what it was, and it never will be. It is a tougher place. I
need to grieve the loss of what I perceived to be a safer, more joyous place. I
also need to own and take heart in the strength I have displayed to get to this
moment. Small victories should be celebrated. Even the occasional avoidance of
disaster can be a sign of great things to come. I also know that along with the
darkness I’ve discovered, there is still great light and joy waiting to be
found as well. Tremendous surprises have yet to be experienced in
relationships, creation and faith. I’ve been blessed in making some of these
discoveries at this time. No matter how dark this world can be, it can be equally
bright.
One of the best ways to cope with these feelings is to put
your mind on others. I’ve found that when I can actually do it, taking my focus
off of myself is really helpful. Serving and investing in others really gives
perspective. Part of what I realized in discussing this subject with other
people is that there are a lot of people discovering darkness. It’s just a part
of life. I kinda like when I’ve found some darkness first and I can help a
friend through the same discoveries. It’s also true that there are a lot of
people out there who have discovered a lot more darkness than me. Maybe, since
I can see a little more light, I can grab ahold of their hand and help lead
them along abit.
This is a tough post to wrap up. I’ll just say, if you’re
going through or have gone through some hard times, I hope this can help you
identify some of the feelings that people in my life helped me identify. If
this all seems crazy to you, I’ll post something a little more upbeat soon. It
will either leave you reassured or feeling like I’m bipolar.
