How I came to live in Phoenix

As I've said time and time again, after experiencing a couple of huge transitions last year, I found myself going through some major life changes again in the past few months. The truth is that I've been overwhelmed and, at times, unsure of how things were going to turn out. Sometimes it gets very tricky trying to find a balance between writing this blog with candor and discretion. I've been unsure of what I wanted to share, how I could share it and whether I was capable. Finally, I got out to Phoenix to start fresh in a new place where I hardly know a soul for the second time in less than two years. Now, I'd love to tell you all about how I ended up here.

In early June, Michael, the manager of Amor's operations in San Carlos, decided to step down. Initially, this was merely useful and somewhat disappointing information for me. Michael is a great guy and I was really bummed that I would not get to work with him much more. I briefly considered the opening as an opportunity for me, but immediately put that thought to rest. I was having an incredible time in San Diego. I had the best relationships I believed a guy could ask for, I loved the culture and community there and I was enjoying my job. I still felt like I was growing and learning and, contrary to what I had thought possible just a year earlier, I considered San Diego home. There was simply no way I was going to leave my home for a new place and tougher job description. This was not in the cards. I think I believed that I deserved some time to sit back and enjoy the fruits of the labor I had put in since I had moved to San Diego. It had been a hard but formative year, this next year was going to be about me continuing to grow, but without so many of the challenges and difficulties I had recently faced. I was going to relax and get what I wanted.

Slowly, my heart started to change. While I had been too obtuse to pick up on the message, I had been getting prodded about being challenged by some people very close to me. God had grown me over the past year to be sure and I was being challenged emotionally and spiritually every day. Nevertheless, I felt I had more to offer Amor than what was being asked of me as a field specialist. Some of the people around me helped me come to this realization. Once I made it, this conclusion was inescapable. I knew that managing our pilot program in San Carlos would give me tremendous opportunities to learn and exercise my abilities. I also knew that from this position, I would have a greater chance to be a part of and influence the direction that Amor went in the future. Being content with growing emotionally and spiritually was not an acceptable reason to turn away from these realities.

As I considered applying for the position more seriously, I started to feel out the people around me and I discovered a problem with being part of a massive mutual admiration club. Everyone thought I would be great and should go for it. As a result, I got a little skeptical about taking their encouragement seriously. I searched for people that had a great degree of insight on who I was, what my desires were and what I was up against. Ultimately, there were three who's voices rose above the rest. My father spoke strongly of my abilities, the opportunities ahead of me and all that God could do through me as long as I stayed faithful. My manager at the time, Jon Wilson, was incredible as well. He was convinced of my abilities and gave me his support in a number of ways. With so many people who knew me so well behind me, I decided to interview for the position. My interviews went great. For the most part, I felt I presented myself and my vision for the position very well. I was sure that my interviewers were impressed, would prayerfully consider me and would determine that I wasn't ready to take on this role. That's right, I felt I did my absolute best and I just wasn't the guy for the job. While I was disappointed I wouldn't get the opportunity, I was okay because I knew I had given it a shot and also knew God was in control of the decision making process. Of course, it wouldn't hurt that I would get to have that time to relax either.

Little did I know, the people that I had trusted to wisely and prayerfully reject me had decided to offer me the position. I immediately lost faith in the process. I could not figure out how leadership at Amor deemed me ready to take on such a huge responsibility. Nevertheless, I accepted the position and, after I recovered from my shell shock, felt confident that with the support of the people around me God was going to do great things with this opportunity. I was pumped. I was going to keep my friends in San Diego, visit all the time and I knew that God was going to provide me with a similar community in Phoenix. I marveled at what I was being given. Who has the chance to serve others and make incredible friends all over the country? I rode on an emotional high full of disbelief and excitement for a period of several weeks, then came the reality check.

Things started to change more quickly than I thought and I realized all that I was leaving behind and how much I would miss everyone and everything in San Diego. It was not that long ago that I learned to call San Diego home. I was surrounded by people that I believed I would be living in community with for a long, long time. This was a much tougher transition than the one that I made away from Virginia. When I came to California, I knew it was time for some significant changes in my life. I knew that I had a tremendous amount of growth to go through as a man and I knew I needed to take a leap of faith for God to do what he wanted with me. It was time for me to leave the life I was living and start a new one. I had 100% clarity. This was not the case this time around. I was not convinced that it was time for me to say goodbye to all that I held so dear in San Diego. I also felt that there was a significant amount of work that God could still do on me with the position and relationships I had.

Despite my confusion and disappointment, my decision had been made. I made a commitment to God and Amor. At this point, people were counting on me. Although I was struggling to move forward, I received a lot of encouragement from my friends, family and coworkers. In spite of my doubts and lack of confidence moving forward, everyone else was sure that this was the right step for me and that I was primed to succeed. The three weeks preceding my move were the hardest. I desperately wanted to stay home in San Diego right up until the moment that I pulled away. As I got in the car, I dreaded the lonely hours ahead as I ventured through a no man's land between what I considered home and a place I refused to believe I could ever really call home.

But God is good. I had a couple of solid conversations on the road. I put on some fun music that meant absolutely nothing to me. I rocked out. I raced through the desert. I had a good time. I can't say that God said anything profound to me in those moments, but I can say that he at least temporarily lifted a burden from my heart. As I entered into the broad, low lying expanse of lights that make up the greater Phoenix area at night, I felt those lights start to penetrate my soul. I started to again understand the opportunity laid before me. As much as I had wanted San Diego to be a place where I settled down for a number of years, it was just a place of growth and transition for me, and that is okay. I will maintain the awesome friendships that I was blessed with while there. The fact is that I am still on the cusp of a new stage in my life and Phoenix is going to be the home to that stage. I have no idea what God has in store for me right now, but all of the next big things are going to happen here. Already, new people are finding their way into my life and making an impact on me. This is an extremely exciting place to be. I just have to remain confident and faithful that despite the losses I feel, God has brought me here, is with me, will guide me and make me more like the man I was made to be.