The Makings of an Indelible Mark

A note from Clint: Yes, I've been a little bummed out by some recent happenings in my life. No, I am not actually depressed, despondent or demoralized (Could someone who was use alliteration so deftly?). Last week's post was purposefully dramatic and over the top. I appreciate those who checked up on me after that post. It was very thoughtful. That said, my post was not a cry for help, it was merely me making light of my own sensitive sensibilities. This post will be more positive.

A Long-existing, Unfulfilled Desire

As far back as I can remember, I have always wanted a tattoo and/or a piercing. Honestly, the desire for a piercing left me years ago, but my "need" for a tattoo has persisted. I think I've always been more fascinated with the idea of having a tattoo than anything else. It just seems like one of those things you need to do at some point. While I have claimed that I wanted one, I was never sure what it would be or where I would put it. These minor details, along with some other contributing factors are what always kept me from actually following through and getting one.

New Life

I dance around this concept quite often. The idea of becoming reborn or a different person is used pervasively in our culture and specifically within the context of my faith. As it relates to The Bible, this language is very rich, but I believe we have come to cheapen it in a lot of ways. Perhaps it is the fact that no matter how much we are reborn or improve, we still have glaring weaknesses that detract from the image of being "born again." I think another issue is that we wear these types of titles on our sleeves rather than letting our actions speak for the men and women we have become. Despite my hesitance to describe myself as such, the fact is that I have become a different creation in the past year. I still have glaring flaws: I suffer from inappropriate desires, I have a mouth that runs for days with plenty of awful stuff coming out of it, and I manage to be a poor witness to my beliefs on a regular basis. I am certainly a broken vessel. That said, I am the most willing vessel I have ever been. There have been numerous watershed moments within the past year that have shown me not how strong I am, but the strength of God's presence in my heart. At several points throughout the year, I thought it would be appropriate to commemorate my life changes and God's faithfulness through a tattoo. I also just thought it would be cool to finally get one. Ideas came and went. Verses, symbols and phrases were considered, but nothing had the staying power I needed to commit.

One Universal, Inescapable Truth

It occurred to me that if I was to have something permanently put on my body, I would want it to always be true. For this reason, I looked to The Bible and similar literature. When you commit yourself to this type of reading and studying, you begin to find a lot of truth. I fell in love with a lot of what I read, but then one book and phrase knocked me off my feet. As a gift for being one of his groomsmen, my brother, Jason, gave me a copy of Abba's Child by Brennan Manning. I was in a place where I had grown quite insecure and struggled with my flaws and value. The reading I did in this book helped to dispel many of the fears and insecurities with which I was wrestling by helping me come to terms with the true nature of God's love for me. One phrase Manning lifted from the novel "Diary of a Country Priest" struck me especially: Grace is Everywhere. I began to look at the past year and all I had learned and realized just how true this phrase was.

Grace is Everywhere

God and my loved ones have shown me a tremendous amount of Grace throughout my life, but specifically in the past year. God brought me, a broken creation, to a new place specifically to use me for His service. I dealt with a lot coming out here. I had to come to terms with a broken relationship and both forgive and be forgiven for it's failure. I felt grace as I made mistakes early on in my new job and my coworkers supported me. My friends and family showed me grace and support as I mourned my broken relationship and all I had left behind. I also learned to show grace to those around me. Despite all the poor decisions I had made, I have been given too many gifts to count in the last year. Before long, I found myself in a beautiful, new relationship. Within the context of this relationship, I felt a deep, intimate grace not only for my past transgressions, but for ones I made in the present as well. God's grace is perfect and everlasting and intangible. When a person alongside you can forgive the worst of who you are, it helps you get a better grasp on God's incomprehensible grace. I was also given the opportunity show some grace in this relationship. I felt that being able to exercise grace taught me even more about the nature of it. I learned from all the grace I gave and was given throughout the year, but a new depth of understanding came from being in an intimate relationship in which grace was so freely given and received. Through all this, I came to understand that for a man a broken as I am to be given the immense blessing I have, it must be true that grace is everywhere.

Another Meaning

I had also strongly considered getting a tattoo that would be a tribute to my mother. As I mulled over the idea of grace in my life and how thankful I am for it, I thought about the most quietly graceful person I know: My momma. In my mind, my momma's greatest testament to her faith is her service to others. She has raised four strong-willed boys, a couple of whom have a streak of being quite abrasive and at times troublesome. In addition, she's got a husband from whom her boys inherited some of these traits (My father is an incredible, sensitive, loving father and husband, but all of us Barnes men can be a huge pain.). Despite constant battles of will and just flat out battles in a house with five men, she has served and loved us unwaveringly, with a quiet dignity. I now look at the way she approaches coping with her sickness and see pure grace. Again, she does everything she has to with a quiet dignity and confidence that God's will is being done. I have heard her described by friends and relatives time and time again as graceful. Grace is also fittingly her middle name. I know that although they have been late to bloom, she is largely responsible for planting many of the seeds of service and grace in my heart. I pale in comparison to her, but I will always be able to, in some small part, carry her name and values with me. With this understanding, I know that Grace is everywhere I am.

As I thought about how to solidify the influence of my momma in this phrase, I recalled how much I always admired her beautiful handwriting growing up. Even through high school, she would write notes and put them in my bag lunch. While I acted embarrassed, I loved that she did it. Although it was a simple act, the thought of my momma's handwriting and memories such as these really exemplify the depth of her love for me. After a bit of thinking, I asked her to write "grace is everywhere" on a piece of paper, scan it and e-mail it to me. A close friend looked at the paper with me and wrote the phrase on my arm in her approximation of my mother's handwriting. It was a special moment to me and I loved it. Although I would waver over the permanent nature of the tattoo and the location would change, I think I made the decision then that I would get it.

This post was meant to be about my adventure of getting a tattoo, which wasn't really an adventure at all, it was just me going to a tattoo parlor. That said, those that know me well know that I can turn any benign story into an adventure, given some time to add in some over the top adjectives and hyperbole. That said, I am pleased that this post actually turned out to be a tribute to the past year and my mother. Tune in tomorrow or in the next couple days to read about how I can turn a very boring story about getting a tattoo into an adventure. It will include pictures.

Adelante!

-Clint